Mothering

I wouldn't say I entered motherhood very gracefully. I probably looked like a doting mom from the outside, but on the inside I was anxious and selfish and mostly wanting my pre-kid life back. We had more kids, because I believe in kids having siblings and it seemed like the thing to do.

Each season of postpartum brought mental instability and dark days despite always really enjoying my baby. The best way I can describe my postpartum anxiety/depression is "low capacity". My capacity to handle chaos or stress or decision making was incredibly small. I would have outbursts of anger at the slightest inconvenience or freeze with indecision when overwhelmed.

A lot of this was hormonal and would even out as soon as I would stop breastfeeding, which meant that by the third baby I knew the drill and made the hard decision to stop breastfeeding much earlier than I wanted to. There were other contributing factors to my mental health that required the help of a counselor, but that's a different topic for another time.

The great thing about motherhood is that you get to evolve alongside your kids. I handled the infant stage so differently from Henrik to Soren. I relaxed more with each boy. I've altered and changed my parenting philosophies as I've made mistakes and gotten to know my kids better. It's really kind of beautiful to see how over the past seven years I've grown up alongside my boys.

Now that I'm a year out from my postpartum haze, mentally healthy, and back to a better version of myself I feel like I can finally really enjoy my children and parent from a place of peace. There are very few things I sense from the Spirit as clear directives, but I know He has asked me to pour into my children right now - to really take responsibility for their discipleship, their education, and their childhood.

I love these three and feel so grateful to get to know them even better this next year.