a year ago today...

i committed my whole heart to the Lord. it was a gorgeous summer saturday morning. i staggered into my parent's home not looking too gorgeous and feeling like the ugliest person (on the inside and out) that had ever graced the gutwein household. i was a mess. my life had started ripping at the seams many months before june 30, 2007, but the seams broke wide open and i was finally willing to admit i was a disaster and something, wait no, EVERYTHING had to change.

as i entered my house my stomach was twisted in knots. partly because of the heart-breaking realization of what i'd become and partly because i knew my parents were NOT happy with me. the evening before i told them i would 'be home late, but i'd be home at some point'. well i hadn't called at all and i didn't come home until the morning, which i think doesn't count as being 'late'. i had went out with my usual crowd the night before and had every intention of hanging out, not drinking, and coming home at a decent hour.
i had been doing this all summer....trying to change. i would go into my weekends with great goals of hanging out but not participating. this was a hopeless goal though, because i didn't know how to have fun without using. i didn't know how to be crazy, outgoing, social without a beer or shot in my hand. neither did my friends, well most of them anyways. and the second i popped open my first beer with the plan of stopping after one or two. the taste, which i had become accustomed, even addicted to, left me wanting more, and more. i didn't know when to stop. i had no self control when i was sober, you can imagine what my self control was like when i was drunk.

the evening before i repented i finally came to terms that a relationship i had been counting on for happiness, was never going to happen. see, the happiest i had ever been and the most fun i'd ever had up to that point in my life was when i was in this relationship a year earlier. i was foolishly holding onto something that, to the other person, never meant anything in the first place, let alone 10 months later. thankfully, i can say these things with a smile on my face because throughout the past year God has changed my wants and desires, changed my attitude, my heart, and revamped me into a child of His.

the pyg sings a song called 'you have redeemed by soul'. every time i sing this i'm reminded that Jesus truly redeemed my soul from a pit of emptiness. i was the epitomy of a girl living an empty life. thanks be to Jesus Christ for paying for all of those horrible sins, and calling me to Him. and thanks to my parents that, when i stumbled in that morning, still a little drunk (not sure if they knew/know that) and reaking of sin, loved me regardless, listened to me, encouraged me, prayed with me, and helped me take the first step to a life without guilt and regrets that make you shiver. it wasn't easy at first, and it took about 6 months for me to really work out all the issues and really let go of things that i had a pretty tight grip on. and even though i'm still learning and growing every day. i'll never get sick of waking up and not wondering or cringing about what i did the night before. praise God.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
ezekiel 36:26