Just like no one can prepare you for labor, no one can prepare you for the first couple weeks with a newborn either. At least that's been my experience. Let's just say we haven't been over here in newborn bliss just cuddling our little guy and thinking this new life of ours is fabulous. Well, at least I haven't.
The first couple days in the hopsital and the first couple days home were pretty good. Everything was new and I was still running on some adrenaline I think. But after about day 4 or 5 I think my hormone levels started trying to get back to normal and coupled with getting no sleep made life pretty...crappy (to put it nicely). Don't get too worried, I haven't wanted to throw Henrik out a window or anything and I would still kiss his sweet little face every time I picked his screaming body up from his bed. But at times I have wished he wasn't around. Yikes - did I just say that? Yep.
I would usually wake up in the morning feeling optimistic and normal, despite if it was a sleepless night, but like clockwork around mid to late afternoon I would start to feel sad and emotional (note the 'would' - I can post about this because it's now past tense). I would usually spend a couple hours being very weepy, or even bawling, about random things - which is weird coming from someone who normally cries twice a year. One evening I couldn't stop crying because my mom was leaving. One day it was because I missed my time with Devin and kept thinking about our life when it was just us two. Some days I would be so anxious but not really able to pinpoint any reason - though it was probably mostly anxiety about what the night would bring. I had no appetite which was sad with people bringing us lots of good food. And I was terrified that I was going to feel like this for months.
I'm so thankful to have had such good support during this time. Devin was awesome. My mom was amazing. My sisters were great. Sara told me to try to make it to the two week mark and most likely my emotions would level out. She was right - like clockwork at the two week mark I stopped feeling crazy. I guess we're only at 2.5 weeks so maybe I shouldn't speak too soon, but I've been feeling very stable the last few days despite how Henrik is behaving or the time of day. And I feel better about him being here. Obviously he's totally one of 'us' now and I love him like crazy (look at this photo of him, who wouldn't?!). But I think there's still part of me that will continue to mourn the loss of what Devin and I had. And I think that's okay.
Huck spent over two weeks trying to get his days and nights figured out. Not fun. The last couple days and nights have been totally different though. Again, I'm hesitant to speak too soon, but he's been sleeping 3 (even 5 once!) hour stretches at night and is up a lot more during the day. Of course this has it's down side - he's a bit fussy when he's up so I don't get much done between feeding and consoling him. But the last couple nights I've gotten between 6-7 hours of sleep in a couple different segments and it's AMAZING. Oh and he was up to 8 pounds at his 2 week appointment which was a victory after all this feeding I'm doing.
I guess the summary is things have improved a lot this week and I'm feeling more like myself. I'm thankful for so much - for a healthy and seriously cute boy. Thankful that breastfeeding has gone well (though at times bottles sound nicer). Thankful for a husband who is already such a great dad and so helpful during the night - he keeps his cool a lot better than I do. :) Thankful for supportive family and friends. And thankful for the refining process I can already see that God is going to do in my life through Henrik.
The first couple days in the hopsital and the first couple days home were pretty good. Everything was new and I was still running on some adrenaline I think. But after about day 4 or 5 I think my hormone levels started trying to get back to normal and coupled with getting no sleep made life pretty...crappy (to put it nicely). Don't get too worried, I haven't wanted to throw Henrik out a window or anything and I would still kiss his sweet little face every time I picked his screaming body up from his bed. But at times I have wished he wasn't around. Yikes - did I just say that? Yep.
I would usually wake up in the morning feeling optimistic and normal, despite if it was a sleepless night, but like clockwork around mid to late afternoon I would start to feel sad and emotional (note the 'would' - I can post about this because it's now past tense). I would usually spend a couple hours being very weepy, or even bawling, about random things - which is weird coming from someone who normally cries twice a year. One evening I couldn't stop crying because my mom was leaving. One day it was because I missed my time with Devin and kept thinking about our life when it was just us two. Some days I would be so anxious but not really able to pinpoint any reason - though it was probably mostly anxiety about what the night would bring. I had no appetite which was sad with people bringing us lots of good food. And I was terrified that I was going to feel like this for months.
I'm so thankful to have had such good support during this time. Devin was awesome. My mom was amazing. My sisters were great. Sara told me to try to make it to the two week mark and most likely my emotions would level out. She was right - like clockwork at the two week mark I stopped feeling crazy. I guess we're only at 2.5 weeks so maybe I shouldn't speak too soon, but I've been feeling very stable the last few days despite how Henrik is behaving or the time of day. And I feel better about him being here. Obviously he's totally one of 'us' now and I love him like crazy (look at this photo of him, who wouldn't?!). But I think there's still part of me that will continue to mourn the loss of what Devin and I had. And I think that's okay.
Huck spent over two weeks trying to get his days and nights figured out. Not fun. The last couple days and nights have been totally different though. Again, I'm hesitant to speak too soon, but he's been sleeping 3 (even 5 once!) hour stretches at night and is up a lot more during the day. Of course this has it's down side - he's a bit fussy when he's up so I don't get much done between feeding and consoling him. But the last couple nights I've gotten between 6-7 hours of sleep in a couple different segments and it's AMAZING. Oh and he was up to 8 pounds at his 2 week appointment which was a victory after all this feeding I'm doing.
I guess the summary is things have improved a lot this week and I'm feeling more like myself. I'm thankful for so much - for a healthy and seriously cute boy. Thankful that breastfeeding has gone well (though at times bottles sound nicer). Thankful for a husband who is already such a great dad and so helpful during the night - he keeps his cool a lot better than I do. :) Thankful for supportive family and friends. And thankful for the refining process I can already see that God is going to do in my life through Henrik.
16 comments:
We had over 4 years together before Avery was born and I still struggled in that hormonal early stage with wanting to go back to life pre-kids. It didn't last long, but I clearly remember taking a walk in our (scary:) apt. complex and telling Nate I just wanted to be pregnant again...maybe not get rid of the baby entirely, but I wanted life back to what I knew as normal. But quickly, life becomes a new normal and you will find even more joy in this new stage. But so thankful things are looking up and you're feeling a bit more like yourself. He looks SO sweet in this pic!
Oh I can so relate with this post, Emily. It makes me want to cry because I know the feelings of everything you've written. Love your honesty.
I'm currently going through a rough patch as a mom and have been clinging to this song (for what it's worth): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtwIT8JjddM
Helps the perspective :)
Huck is so absolutely handsome - my goodness! Hang in there!
Those sleepless nights take a toll on you, that is for sure. Sometimes it is hard to see an end in sight, but amazingly they do sleep thru the night at some point. You have a precious little boy. Keep up the good work you are doing!!
your little guy is adorable ( :
I remember when my firstborn was about a week old, and everyone kept telling me how "precious" and "sweet" he was...and i felt so flat about it all. Glad you are feeling better...hang in there ( :
Mandy
Oh Emily.. I did not even have pregnancy hormones, but I remember being so scared of the night. I hate to be lonely and those nights felt so lonely, cold, and long! I always remember wondering what the big deal was the morning after only to repeat it. He is adorable and although I have never forgotten the experiences I gain enough strength after two and a half years to repeat them again as you will too ;)!
i love this post. i love you for your honesty and not being afraid to say what i'm sure many are thinking, but just never say.
thankful that the fog has lifted and you are feeling like yourself! love you my friend!
Those afternoon baby blues are so real - I had them for sure. Thankful they seem to be improving.
And I so remember how all through that first pregnancy you hear about the dad's feeling "misplaced' and struggling with the new addtion . . .and when Ava came, Ryan stepped right into the role like a natural and I was the one struggling with the new dynamic and sharing him . ..and I remember struggling that I was struggling (how's that for a description). : ) So give yourself some grace that you are far from alone. In amidst the amazing, super sweet and love them like crazy parts of motherhood that come, it is a huge transition and it takes a bit for a new normal to come. I think it sounds like you're doing great and thankful you have such a good daddy to do this parenting thing alongside. Even when more come along there will still be days you think blissfully back to that time of just the two of you . .even when you really wouldn't go backwards if you could.
And yes, he is super cute. : )
I'll never forget a moment in time when I was folding laundry in our townhouse hallway and Noah (in a plain blue onsie) was laying on a blanket just chilling at like three weeks. I remember distinctly thinking "we're doing this..." and I realized for the first time my nerves were relaxing a bit. And to my surprise...Noah was like this other little guy hanging out with me while Luke was gone studying. It was a big transition and much needed for mental survival long term. :)
Glad you've got such a darling little guy (picture is cute cute) to hang out with you if Devin ever has to be away for a bit. :)
You should write a book, oh wait...maybe have Devin write it for you! Love your honesty, everyone mom should know what it's like. I'm glad it's going better for you and I pray it stays that way. I was still not sleeping when Jayla was 3 months and I still would break down crying over nothing!! Mind you, Jayla was sleeping through the night, I, however, could not sleep! Glad Huck has his days and nights right. That's a hard thing to go through too! Sounds like you are doing great and sisters are seriously a huge blessing. I always wondered how I would have done it if I didn't have my sisters to help me.
I am just really thankful to read of your emotions being more stable and dear Huck sleeping a bit better at night! That is huge. I am praying it continues, for sure. I'd share my own first baby stories, but you know them all:).
I LOVE YOU! I think you are doing amazing. Look, you are keeping up on your blog! (I feel like I fell behind on everything when Creed was born.) Everytime I have a baby, emotionally I feel so vulnerable and "out of control" emotionally. You just feel like everything is working against you emotionally...lack of sleep, changes physically that happens so suddenly, the change that is brought, etc... It does all settle into normalcy, but it just takes time. AND only time brings that normalcy. I always looked into the mirror and thought, "It looks so cute!" It does, it looks so cute, even though at times it doesn't feel like it!! i love each change that has been brought though! Love you, Em.
i've been praying for you and am so glad to hear there's a turn for the better. i can relate to SO much of what you've said. that late afternoon/early evening was the worst. i was just dying for it to get dark and get it OVER with!! thankfully there was practically none of that with #'s 3&4, and much less with #2, even. :)
after # 3, and weeping away like a woman i never am on about day four after having the baby, i said to my mom, "every time i have a kid you are here a few days after and i have a break down." rach had a rough time about then, too, and i'm beginning to think there must be a huge hormal shift or surge or something on about day 4 after babies. it's happened with every one of mine. :)
i will pray this better trend continues. :)
Oh I love you em and so glad things are swingin up.
I am so glad things are a little better! Thanks for your honesty--I will have very realistic expectations for life with a newborn someday--which is nice! :)
EM, This is what I love about you. Your honestly. I love picturing you telling these things in person! Miss you darling! Such a cute picture of Huck!
Hi Emily, I don't really know you but I know Joy that's how I happened on your blog tonight. I like your honesty. Can I share something that a wonderful lady said to me when I had my firstborn.... she reminded me that while I might be missing the life before Ella and my time with Kirk that I needed to remember that this stage is only for a season. Someday Kirk and I will be empty nesters (seriously this seems so very far away in the moment of meeting two little girls' needs 24/7 but it's not) someday it'll be just us again. At the time I thought her point was that someday I'll miss this like crazy and perhaps it was. But, I have to say that while I will never really wish it away I cling to the idea of "'just us again' when motherhood is rough and I'm missing my freedom and my man. Your baby is darling! And it's great you have a wonderful support team.
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