Thoughts from 12 weeks postpartum




Henrik Sebastian brings me a lot of joy these days. And while I wouldn't want to go back to those days of being up most the night and getting zero feedback from the little bugger, I can also feel a bit sad about how big he's getting (okay I know he's not really big at all). But, if he could just stay small and naive! If I could just keep caring for him and making his decisions for him. If he would just stay little then I could protect him from the inevitable hurt that comes with older years. Oh what I wouldn't give to shelter those bright eyes from pain or sadness or fear!

Sometimes I daydream about how I would react if someone was trying to take or harm my baby boy. I doubt I'm the only mother who does this. In fact, I doubt there are few who don't. What would I do? What drastic measures would I take to protect Henrik at all costs? I start to think how giving my life for him would be nothing, but then the thought that immediately follows is, but he needs his mom.

But the reality is, he doesn't. He doesn't need me, not really. And the other reality - I can't protect him from harm. He only needs Jesus and only Jesus can protect him. Only Jesus will be able to calm his fears and nurse his pain and give him true joy.

Sometimes I fear that Henrik will reject me someday, like I rejected my own parents at times. I could cry puddles over the pain I caused my parents (mostly my mom) through my sin and selfishness, because now I know. Now I can at least fathom what it would feel like to have the child I gave birth to and poured out myself for turn his back on me. I can see what it must feel like to have a child not understand your love for them and that you're really only doing what you believe is best for them. And of course, then follows the obvious correlation between our heavenly father and us...

But on a lighter note, we really do enjoy him so much these days. He's turned out to be a really good baby and it's nice to kind of have him figured out in some areas - such as when to stick him in bed so he falls asleep without crying or what will make him smile, or when he's about to spit up. I feel like we've successfully created a good balance of having him on a loose schedule, but also having him be flexible so we can still have lives and not just be home all the time. I feel like we've done a good job at not having our whole life and conversations revolve around him. I love that we can be sipping wine, talking about our days at work, and cooking dinner together and forget he's even upstairs sleeping, but also spend an hour just hanging out on the floor with him as a family and thoroughly enjoy that too. But who knows, it's easy to compare yourself to others and come away thinking you're the 'balanced' one. I mean, not ALL of my Instagrams are of my kid. ;)

12 comments:

Linda said...

Beautiful post and pictures! Appreciated hearing your thoughts on how God can and will supply all of Henrik's needs. Although, Henrik does need a mom...and God chose you! :)

L, Ann and boys said...

thought provoking post. :) It is amazing that even with all the love we pour into our kids, that God loves them no more or less than a child without two or even one parent. It comforts by heart to know that He has a plan of redemption and calls out with a desire for all to be saved. I have to remember this or I start wringing my hands wondering why the world is so unfair...so full of love for some...so seemingly empty for others. But God knows the difference between full and empty, not me.

Betsy said...

I love this Em, and I think you guys have done a spectacular job of the balancing act of your lives not revolving around the little one, but also loving him to pieces! Great work, you're well on your way to a fantastic mom prize!!

Amber said...

I can relate to lots of what you share Em . . .and even with what you shared about with parents. And yet you think about the depth that you love Henrik and know that even in the pain of possible rejection and painful journeys, the thought of him reconciling himself to God and to you? That is beautiful. And seeing that in your life has been beautiful and I am quite confident your mom would call it beautiful too. . .that God's work in your life has been great, He was and is faithful and He continues to be.

And sometimes that is what I have to cling to as I want to protect my girls from a similarly hard journey that their mom had. And yet God keeps whispering to me, "I'm with them too." So I seek to hold loosely and pray lots.

I remember early on with Ava sitting in my ob's office asking my nurse practitioner when she thought it was reasonable to start expecting to have a predictable schedule. She said she feels like 12 weeks is kind of that magical number of most moms feeling varying levels of schedule, adjustment and new normal. I think that can hold to alot of life changes. But it is nice feeling like you have a groove to your days. And good for you guys for protecting yourselves and your marriage amidst the wonderful addition that parenting is!

I kind of love these posts of your as a momma. Just had to say . . . : )

Linda said...

Loved your thoughts, Amber...and yes, I call it "beautiful" too and praise God for it!

Molly said...

I really related to this and loved reading it. Thanks for taking the time to post it. I also keep looking back at those pictures! I have to say that I think Henrik is happier than many babies his age (or at least when I'm around him), so he must like balance too...:)

Sara Huber said...

Love this so much Em. It has been so fun watching you grow into your new role as a mom, and a fabulous one at that. I think I gain a greater appreciation for our parents and the sacrifices they made with each new stage I enter and with the people that cross my path (like Heather).
All things considered, you and Dev have fallen into your new roles quickly and easily I think!

Christen Leigh said...

Love your thoughts, Em. I think you make a fabulous Mom, as well! :)

Laura said...

Such a sweet post Em. Parenting definitely brings about sacrificial love that involves protecting as well as loving unconditionally through hurts and rejection. I love how it helps me understand God's love for me just a little bit better though.

leah said...

i love this emily. love your heart and how you've transformed into such a great mom!

Sarah said...

loved this post, Emily. Thanks for sharing!

brenda said...

Well, that post left me with a huge lump in my throat!