Sort of Out of Sorts

I wouldn't say I hate change or that change comes terribly hard for me. But, with any major life change, it comes with it's challenges. I realized that even though things are going pretty well with Huck and caring for a baby hasn't felt overly daunting or stressful to me, there are other areas of my life where the change has come a bit harder and I'm probably not handling it all that gracefully.

I guess you could say I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I think in trying to figure out who I am in this new stage of motherhood, there are things I don't like - and yet - I'm having a hard time doing anything about them. Such as...

I hate feeling like I don't have time for anything. But, when there's a free moment and a million things I could do, I tend to just get paralyzed and do nothing. My dirty and unorganized house is driving me crazy, but when Henrik's napping it's so much easier to surf blogs and facebook. I look at my journal or Bible and it sounds hard. I tell myself time with God takes mental energy that I don't have when deep down I know it's the only thing to give me rest. I don't like my body right now - at all - and yet I keep choosing to eat carbs and sweets all day long because they're easy to grab and I'm too lazy to make something healthy (or grocery shop for that matter).

I wonder if now would be a good time to mention it's four o'clock in the afternoon and I'm wearing sweats and a bathrobe. But only because the one pair of pants that actually fit are sitting in the large laundry basket next to me. Oh and I just ate a peanut butter cup. But anyways...

I miss Devin during the day and want quality time with him and yet by evening I'm often tired and sick of giving to someone else so I find myself being a crabby butt (what I call Henrik sometimes) and damaging the little time I have with him during the week. I had so many ideas of little house projects to work on during my maternity leave. None of them are happening, which makes me feel so unmotivated. Although, this one I may need to let slide due to unrealistic expectations of how time consuming Henrik Sebastian would be and how one feels on much less sleep.

Pride Disclaimer: I really don't sit around the house everyday eating bon bons and watching TV. I have been getting some things done and I am taking good care of my sweet little boy. I'm not a total loser. I mean, I did give birth to this boy...




I guess all this to say I'm certainly not superwoman - or supermom/wife -and honestly, I kind of thought I would be. I guess I thought some of these things would just come a little easier or that I would find more energy and joy in doing this stage of life. In reality, it just sounds nice to go back to work and feel like a productive adult, but then I can really panic...if I'm not staying on top of things while I'm home for 8 weeks, how in the world will I get anything done when I'm back to work?!

This all has me thinking about who I am and who I'm not. What types of things I'm going to do and what I'm NOT going to do. I've realized I need to take some time to sort through what exactly is important to me. What are my main priorities in this season of life (other than Dev and Huck)? What things can't take a back seat and what things should be taking a back seat? What things do I know I want to make time for and what things do I just feel like I should make time for but they really don't matter? What can I be putting into place to foster energy and motivation?

In her book, Bittersweet, Shauna Niequist has an essay called "Things I Don't Do" in which she recounts things she's bad at or things that just aren't important enough to take up her time even if she feels pressure to do them or they sound nice in theory.  I think it takes some searching and discernment to determine what areas you are best suited to plug into and spend your time on. In areas as small as house projects to bigger things like church involvement and how free time is spent, I feel like I'm on a personal quest to find out what God wants me to focus on right now as an individual and what God wants Devin and I to focus on as a family. I'm excited to see what I discover and get a few things sorted out so I don't feel so out of sorts.


11 comments:

Joy said...

Another honest, great post! Is it bad that, on my days off, I stay in my pjs all day and my baby is 6 months old? Don't be so hard on yourself. It's really ok. Finding time to spend with your husband was always a struggle for me too. I just felt like I wanted to go to bed early because who knew what my night would be like, so I wanted to try to get as much sleep as possible. Maybe once you start work you will be more productive:)

L, Ann and boys said...

So honest.
I tell myself repeatedly after delivery: it takes nine months to ramp up to having a baby and no one should be critical of much of anything until nine months after. That goes for what the house looks like and whether our skinny jeans are on the shelf still. Our bodies are what don't like change most of all and seem to do everything gradually. So give your metabolism and body systems a chance to figure all this out (easier said than done). I keep telling myself that everything is going to seem brighter the longer and warmer the days get too. :)

I'm due July 15 and our big annual vacation is mid August in SC...great. I know it won't be my most favorite body image vacation...but life is beautiful and I like beach cover ups in white. ;)

smw said...

i can sympathize with all these feelings. maybe i will be able to sit and chat with yout tonight. :)

i also like the idea of the 'things i don't do' list. it think it could be a VERY helpful exercise.

Molly said...

Oh, I loved this. This is good, thoughtful, true, and real. I can very much relate to that paralyzing feeling of having much to do and no motivation to do it. Interestingly, I think some of my biggest memories of that are from periods of time when I was home all day...especially with a young baby. Thanks for this reflection, and praying for the process.

Jon y Amy said...

Great post. Thanks. I curl up into a ball in stress and was just vexed about this all week.

Betsy said...

Good to read this Em and get a feel for how you're doing. I have to believe that even the cute 3-week-postpardum mom laughing with her coffee and well dressed, cooing baby in Starbucks ---that even she has her greasy hair and yoga-pants days. Love that you admit to them.

Ashton said...

Such a good post. And I completely understand all of your feelings. Being a woman and a mother is a really complex thing. I don't think anyone completely figures it out. But what you're doing is such an important ministry and mission. And I think that the moments when we feel the least productive and sure of our purpose are the times when we can learn more about what it means to really rest in God and His unconditional love for us and find joy in whatever moment He has given us right now. Thanks for being honest.

Ashley said...

What an honest post Em, I appreciate that in this world of attempted perfection. I'll be praying for you as God and you figure out this new stage of life. I'm sure, as with any stage, it will all smooth out :)

Sarah said...

Love your honest posts - we can all relate...well I know I can!

(Do you have the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young? It's been the BEST thing for me this year. Because I often feel the same way you do regarding devotions...it's just what I need right now)

leah said...

I'm echoing everyone else but I love your honesty so much! Praying for you that in your weakness you find His strength! Love you!

Christen Leigh said...

Praying for all of these adjustments--but if it is any consolation, I think you are doing great! :)