Ungrateful

I'm not writing this because it's something I've overcome. Really, it's something I'm in the midst of...but I'm realizing how easy it is to forget to be thankful when things don't go my way - despite getting something I wanted.

Thankfulness is not something I've felt with this pregnancy. I've had a lot of varying emotions over the last few months, but thankfulness has not really been one of them. But recently, I've been hit with the irony of my situation...

Literally two hours before I had a positive pregnancy test, I was in a Bible study with some girls and something that we were discussing led me to a silent prayer of asking God if some day He would bless me with a baby girl of my own (I'm not sure why it was a girl I was specifically praying for). I've always desired to have kids some day, but for some reason felt like maybe I wouldn't be able to...
Maybe it was one of those incorrect thoughts about God - "I want this so He probably won't give it to me" - or maybe because of some medical issues when I was younger that I thought could affect my health. Or maybe just because all my sisters seemed to get pregnant really easily and I just figured I'd be the one who wouldn't...the whole black sheep thing. :) But for whatever reason, I thought it unlikely I'd get pregnant.

Those former thoughts are funny now because I know it was just an irrational thing I had convinced myself of with absolutely no solid evidence to back it up. And now I know I'm like, super-humanly fertile (slight exaggeration) and it annoys me. Seriously the irony...hours before I found out a human was growing inside of me I had prayed and asked God to bless us with a baby someday. I go home from Bible study, feeling oddly nauseous, and decide that since I'm also 6 days late I'll just quick take a pregnancy test to cross that option off the list (because there was no way I could be pregnant). Then as soon as that second lines (rather boldly) appears, that prayer is totally forgotten and I am suddenly wondering why God has done this to me.

Isn't that ridiculous?! God is giving me something I've always desired but just because it's not at the 'right' time, my tendency is to reject it. I should have been in awe that within 2 hours God had answered my prayer. (Lesson - be careful what you pray for. :)

When I called my mom freaking out about the pregnancy, she commented at some point in the conversation that at least I knew I could get pregnant - some women try their whole lives.

So I guess this is my confession that I've been a bit of an ungrateful brat. So even though this timing still feels off and sometimes I still feel sad about this change, my new goal is to choose thankfulness. Despite my complete unworthiness, God continues to pour out blessing after blessing on my life.


13 comments:

Linda said...

Loved reading this!

Daveana said...

Been working through the whole ungrateful thing too! Glad I'm not the only one!

Sara Huber said...

Pretty cool that the Spirit prompted you to pray for what He already knew had been answered...love you and your little one!

smw said...

good thoughts. and neat how God did that. i can relate with having to choose thankfulness. my mom has reminded me before of the verse that talks about 'the sacrifice of praise'. it's crazy that praise can feel like a sacrifice, but it totally can when i want to just grump around. :)

Amber said...

So this post just kind of made me miss you and made it feel like way too long since we've talked . . .maybe you guys need to come visit for a weekend and finally introduce the mr. Just saying. Count that as a free standing invitation I mean so sincerely.

I just so appreciate your honestly . .. and am just never surprised at how similar we are. : ) this so sounds like a conversation I had with Ryan the other night. So thanks for the reminder, encouragement, and honesty.

leah said...

aw, this post is really awesome. i love your honesty and seeing how God is working in your heart through this change...wanted or not.

love you so much friend! :)

L, Ann and boys said...

:)

Betsy said...

"super-humanly fertile" - oh em you are just too much, love it! Thanks for being real and letting us in on this process of becoming more grateful. Love you!

Tami said...

"My new goal is to choose thankfulness"...I love that you said that...choosing it. You're right, you know. And so often, I miss that opportunity to choose gratefulness. Thanks for being open, Emily. Love you, friend!

Sarah said...

Love your honesty in this post. Beautiful...

Molly said...

Yep, needed to hear this one;)...

Christen Leigh said...

Great thoughts. That is really cool that you prayed that just the same morning. I have been convicted lately, too, about CHOOSING to be thankful and praise God even when I don't feel like it. :) Miss you--have a blast in MI!

Casey Stoll said...

You're a good writer Em! thanks for posting this.