i miss you already

and you haven't even left yet. but you're leaving. i've avoided coming to this realization for months now, and now that it's here i have no choice but to deal with it. i don't want you to leave. i know you have to, i know you should, but i don't want you to. even if i still see or talk to you the same amount, it doesn't matter. i like you where you are. once when i was in ft. wayne helping you nanny, you were in the living room late at night doing an exercise video when it was dark and everyone else was in bed. you asked me to stay there with you because i was your security blanket. (then you had to explain to me what a security blanket was) well, you are my security blanket, you're stable and there when i need you. you understand me. i know where i can find you and when you'll be available. now my security blanket is leaving. i know i'm being selfish. because i know this is going to direct yet more attention away from me. that's been happening a lot lately and i thought for some reason i didn't care. i know new people need you more than i do. and i know god wants you there. but that doesn't mean i'm happy about letting you go. that doesn't mean that i want to watch you get a new life that has less of me in it. i know this shouldn't be that big of a deal but for some reason i feel like we're moving to this new stage of life because now when i move on it will even be different and not as big of a deal. well this is what i'm thinking. i wish i was back in 9th grade and you and i were eating out together in monticello and sitting in the living room talking to my boyfriend of the month. i'm sorry i was such a brat sometimes (and still am). you're so amazing and i've learned so incredibly much from you.

i love you.