2020

This year was interesting and unexpected (both things I secretly, or not so secretly, really like). 

My greatest gift was time with my four handsome men.

My greatest blessing was God meeting me in new and tangible ways. He equipped me for whatever he asked me to do. He enabled me to release control over things that were not mine to decide. This wasn't because I was extra dedicated to him or extra holy. Honestly, I probably was less faithful in some of the rhythms we associate with healthy spiritual practice than I have been in the past. Yet, I found him organically and because he does not relent. In a year when I questioned him more than ever, even His very existence, He showered me with joy and peace that I haven't had in years. 

"You won't relent until you have it all."

"I don't want to talk about you

like you're not in the room. 

Want to look right at you,

Want to sing right to you."

-Jesus Culture "You Won't Relent"

 

"Thankful"

With so many things going on in our city, country, and world it can feel trite and even wrong to list off all the things one is thankful for. Especially when one is a white person living in privilege. Even so...

I've been so grateful for my life this year. Probably more than I ever have. (I realize not many people are saying this in 2020.) Yes, we have a wonderful home and Devin was promoted in his job and life has generally been "easy" for us this year but these are not the things that are bringing my soul peace and thankfulness. 

Maybe it's because the past few years were hard and I'm just feeling the relief that this year hasn't been. I'm definitely reaping the benefits of hard work on both my physical and mental health and I know that is a huge reason for the steadiness I feel right now.

Earlier this year I felt what I can only describe as a "knowing" that the Spirit was calling me to home school my kids. This went against my natural desires and tendencies and even went against what I thought at the time was best for them. But it was a prompting I knew I had to go with and now I'm finding myself with purpose and joy that I know is only from the Lord.

This year I've released control over things that were never in my control to begin with. I have found a new level of freedom in not trying to control any other person, especially the ones I live with.

So I guess that in this season I'm just thankful for growth through the Spirit and another layer of knowing that the path God has for me will always be the one with the most peace.

Arizona Getaway

The trip was planned a bit last-minute. We've been wanting to do a hiking trip to the southwest for awhile now and everything just aligned for early October. Honestly, it feels like one of those things that I didn't think about a ton ahead of time because life here is full and then all of a sudden it's over. But! While we were there it was four glorious nights and days of setting our own schedule, putting in dusty miles in the red rocks, reading books in 24 hours, and having really important relationship conversations as we lingered over flights of local beer.

This trip was really good and special. We came home with fun, new memories and more depth to our relationship and those things are worth all the money and coordination it takes to make it happen.

I felt a little emotional unpacking my dusty hiking shoes, knowing it could be awhile before Devin and I get that kind of time again (also I need more canyons and mountains in my everyday life), but so thankful it happened. There really is no one else I'd rather travel with, even if he can be a little neurotic about making it to the airport on time.

 

Nailed It

 Or another way of saying it...God was gracious to us this week.

Week three of school is in the books and it was a great one. So far each week has gotten better. Not every day looks the same but we're slowly getting into a bit of a flow and everyone seems happy about the flow. Unprompted, Henrik told me he likes homeschool and that I was a great teacher.

This week I kind of felt like supermom. We made homemade popsicles and ice cream, planted potatoes, worked on life skills like cutting potatoes and cleaning bathrooms, read lots of books, completed all assignments and even got further in one area than I planned to. There was a lot of interaction and hands-on things, like a phonics assessment disguised as a game. We wrote and mailed thank you cards to some people. We took some park adventures. Basically we did all the things and all (mostly) enjoyed them with good attitudes. I don't expect every week to go this way, but I was needing a confidence boost with this home educating thing so I'm quite thankful.

First week of homeschool

THE GOOD

Snuggled up on the couch reading together about Native Americans. Boys asking good questions.

We gathered for our morning time and Soren runs up and says to me, "uh Fahma Boy?". Day three and the two-year-old had already picked up on the title of our book.

Reading Farmer Boy outside on a beautiful morning while the boys colored.

One-on-one connection. 

Friday morning nature hike with friends. Boys getting to play with friends.

Henrik excited about his online math.

THE BAD

Henrik asking when he would get to zoom with his real teacher and then asking to go back to Blackhawk when I informed him that I was his real teacher and this wasn't distance learning it was actual homeschool.

Ira feeling sad on the first day that he didn't have a real desk like real school.

Frustration over LA curriculum for both boys and me wondering if I chose the wrong things.

The daunting realization that I bear the entire burden of their education at this time.

So many conflicted feelings for me processing the reality of everyone else going back to school.

THE UGLY

"just pay attention, ok!"

"Ok well I don't know how else to explain this to you!" I'm pretty sure that's what all the nice homeschool moms suggest you say to your child when they're frustrated and don't get something.

Forcefully removing two-year-old from the room and asking him to just please go somewhere else.

THE BEST

Putting the boys to bed Friday night. Unprompted Henrik recites his verse from the week. Then Ira wanted to say it again. Then they both wanted to sing our morning hymn chorus. My heart warmed as I thought of the connections we made after just a week of routine and scripture and singing. And I thought..."yeah...this is going to be ok".